Need to vent.

I guess it's about that time for my once a year post since that seems to be about when how often I've been doing it.  Sorry, we're just not that interesting.  Plus this post is only going to be about one thing so if you came for a fun update, I'm sorry but you'll be disappointed.  I just need to write some stuff down and get it off my chest because I don't talk to too many people about it and I'm just done holding it in.
For those of you that read my last post, it has been a little over a year since I miscarried.  I still struggle with it, a lot, and honestly that has been the worst thing that has happened in my life so far.  I had no idea when we decided to start a family almost 3 years ago that this is what I was signing up for and how much of a nightmare it would be.  We have been trying to get pregnant again steadily for that year after my miscarriage and have had no luck at all.  My doctor has since put me on Clomid and it makes me insane, I have intense mood swings for about a week or so after starting it and it makes me want to hurt people.  Really hurt them, physically.  It doesn't help that both (or I guess two and a half) jobs are all customer service.  I got the second job to help distract me and it works to a point but it doesn't help that my full time job is at home and I have a lot of time to think.  At least it allows me to do some retail therapy every once in a while since it's an extra income meant for fun for me and for Jake, but mostly me (I'm the one working two jobs!).
This past year has been the most difficult for me.  After passing my would be due date and not being pregnant and then passing my miscarriage date and not being pregnant, it's extremely disappointing.  If you haven't experienced any fertility problems, it's so hard to describe the feeling you get every month it doesn't happen.  A little piece of me dies every month, a little bit of my sanity and faith goes with it too.  I'm 28 years old and it's only going to get harder from here as I get older.
For those of you that don't know our story of deciding to start a family, it's a fun one.  I started to feel like it was time before the time Jake and I had talked about starting a family.  We had talked about waiting till Jake was in dental school, which would have been fine if my biological clock didn't have other ideas.  It was a hard few months for me while Jake thought about it.  He finally said yes and I used it as an excuse to get him into the doctor's, he hadn't been since before his mission so it'd been about 6 years.  I get him in for a physical and the doctor finds a silver dollar sized nodule on his thyroid.  The doctor says it's probably nothing but wants to get it checked anyway.  About a week and a half after all the testing Jake was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  We were told we had to stop trying to get pregnant for at least 6 months after the radioactive iodine.  So we stopped for a little longer since we had to wait while he prepped for it and then after, just to be safe of course.  Then we moved to Kentucky about a year later.  It only took three months for me to get pregnant out here but it obviously didn't go so well.  Here we are today with Jake in his second year of dental school and busier than ever and me with a full time, part time, and photography job.  I don't think you can get much busier than that.
I've been charting my temperature ever since I miscarried and have been on Clomid for two months now, so far not so good.  I have come to the point where I'm done.  I'm taking a break.  I'm not charting and I'm not taking Clomid, which most people I'm around (Jake) will appreciate since it won't make me want to seriously injure them.  How long this break will last, I don't know.  I will have to see how I feel after a month or two.  I just can't do it anymore.  I don't want this trial, I don't want this type of life.  I want to enjoy the time I have with my husband and my friends now that I'm in a much better place than I was this time last year and the few months following it.  I want to be happy again.
We are talking about adoption but not sure how it will go since we have to budget for it.  The second job will really come in handy then, I'm sure.  I think adoption is incredible and I would love to adopt a baby but we'll have to wait and see where we are next year.  There is no easy way to go through any of this, so if you see me leave a room quietly please try to be understanding.  Sometimes I can't handle the talk about babies and children or even to be around them.  Most of the time I'm fine but some days are worse than others.  It's hard for me to go through all this and not have my family and amazing Utah friends around to visit and talk to them.  I miss my family so much as I'm sure we all do out here but it's always worse when you're going through a trial to not have someone there that knows you so well.
I think that's it for my venting at the moment.  I am looking forward to Halloween, I love Halloween.  I think I even talked Jake into dressing up with me too for the ward Halloween party, which will be fun.  I'll probably post pictures on Facebook or Instragram since I'm always on there.  Thanks for reading, feel free to leave any suggestions if you have any.  I'll take any help I can get.